|
 LOVE
ADDICTION:
Are You Caught in the Trap of an Addictive
Relationship?
By Steve B. Reed, L.P.C., L.M.F.T.
Love
addiction effects more people than you might think. Terri
has been in and out of a relationship with Jack for 15
years. However, Jack always has other women. Sometimes
he has several sexual relationships going at once. Jack
is a sex addict. Terri, a love addict, is addicted to
Jack.
Beth is a rageaholic. For the last 18 months, she and
Tim have been breaking up for a week or two but then
getting back together until the next blow-up. Tim's
friends cannot understand why he keeps going back for
more. What they don't understand is that Tim is
addicted to Beth.
Most people do not understand love addiction or know how
to identify it, but there are recognizable roles,
underlying emotions and a common cycle of behavior that
you can learn to spot. Here is what to look for.
The
Roles in Addictive Relationships
There are two roles. The first role is the Love Addict
who has an addiction to someone who has another primary
addiction. The second role is the Addict. Like Jack or
Beth in our examples, the Addict has an addiction to
something such as alcohol, drugs, sex, work, raging,
etc.
The
Underlying Emotions in Addictive Relationships
The Love Addict has an overwhelming fear of
abandonment but underneath there is also a fear of
intimacy.
The Addict is terrified of being controlled,
smothered or engulfed but has an underlying fear of
abandonment.
A
Common Cycle of Behavior in Addictive Relationships
Pia Mellody, in her books and tapes on love addiction,
identifies the following pattern in the cycle of
addictive relationships. There are several steps in the
pattern. Like a dance, this pattern begins, progresses
and ends but then begins again. This cycle can last for
years if not interrupted by treatment.
| |
The
Love Addict: |
The
Addict: |
|
Step
1 |
Is
attracted to the adulation and power of
the Addict |
Is
attracted to the neediness and
vulnerability of the Love Addict and
begins to feel safe and wanted |
|
Step
2 |
Gets
high from their fantasy about the Addict
Experiences
relief from their sense of being alone,
incomplete and not mattering
Creates
more fantasy and begins to feel safe,
complete and valued |
Seduces
the Love Addict
Gets high
from hooking the Love Addict into the
relationship
Gets high
from the adulation of the Love Addict |
|
Step
3 |
Becomes
more needy and worries about the Addicts preoccupation with their addiction
Denies
their early feelings of abandonment
Sees
increasing evidence of abandonment which
causes their denial to crumble |
Begins
to be overwhelmed by the neediness of the
Love Addict
Begins to
engage more in their addiction
Feels
more controlled by the Love Addict and
needs to get away |
|
Step
4 |
Feels
hurt, fear, jealousy, anger and/or shame
as the Addict withdraws
|
Abandons
the Love Addict by engaging in their own
addiction in order to lessen their fear of
control and engulfment |
|
Step
5 |
Begins
to obsess about the Addict and plans to
get relief from their withdrawal symptoms
by
1) engaging in some other addiction
2) planning how to get the Addict back, or
3) planning to get even
then acts their plan out compulsively |
Feels
guilt and/or fear about abandoning the
Love Addict |
|
Step
6 |
Gets
to start the cycle over if the Addict
notices and returns to the relationship
with another seduction or waits for a new
Addict in order to start a new Step 1 |
Returns
to seduce the Love Addict out of fear of
their own abandonment or guilt about
addiction or moves on to seduce another
Love Addict. Returns to Step 1 |
Hope for Change in Addictive Relationships
Whether someone
has an addiction to a substance, an activity or
another person, they are attempting to medicate
or distract themselves from the emotional pain
of their life. It is through courageously
facing and ultimately resolving their underlying
pain that people can finally free themselves
from an addictive relationship cycle.
Often the underlying pain that people seek to
avoid or find distraction from is so painful and
overwhelming that traditional talk therapy is
not helpful. In such cases, what can help are
specific treatments designed to relieve
emotional trauma.
Since 1992,
emerging and evolving treatments are making the
job of easing intense emotional pain possible.
Treatments that research and clinical experience
prove powerful enough to eliminate the pain of
traumatic events include the REMAP process, EFT
and EMDR. Easing this type of pain allows us to
change an underlying and driving dynamic in love
addiction.
Although it will
require professional help, love addicts can
change and they can replace their addictive
patterns with a healthier version of love.
They can learn to say good-by to love
addiction.
Steve B. Reed, LPC, LMSW, LMFT is a
psychotherapist that helps people overcome the
cycle of love addiction. His practice is in the
Dallas area but he provides phone counseling
worldwide. You can reach Steve at 972-997-9955
or through his website at
www.psychotherapy-center.com
Find
more related links here:
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Articles on Psychology and Psychotherapy
New
Leading Edge Therapies Information & Articles
|
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Steve Reed is available for
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anywhere in the world. Steve is a
creator of self
help products,
seminars
for the public, and
professional training classes on new
leading-edge therapies
such as REMAP,
EFT
Emotional Freedom Technique,
EMDR Eye
Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, TFT Thought Field Therapy,
and NLP Neuro Linguistic
Programming.
Copyright
© 1997-2006 Steve Reed,
Dallas Counseling & Psychotherapy.
All rights reserved. |
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